Commenting on my previous post

I wrote my previous entry last year. Last year was a very hard year for me. I didn't belong where I was last year. I felt that I was trapped and I could never get out, that was some-what true but also I think some of it was just that my world view was somewhat limited. I think the cause of peoples depression is not because of the circumstances that they're in, but how they react to them. I think the circumstance is not something you can change, well, your actions can influence you circumstances, but how you react to where your at is what can cause or prevent depression. I know there are a lot of people in worse situations then you, and I know a lot of them have every right to become depressed, but they choose not to and make the best of their situation. Take some of the people in Haiti, for instance. A lot of them have lost everything, their homes, there family, their life, but they aren't depressed, they haven't lost their hope. I think hope can be lost when you decide it is. Most people give in top quickly and that's the cause for their depression. Again, with depression there are many possible solutions for it; there is the better way which is overcoming it, and there is giving in to it which many times leads to suicide. In my opinion suicide is a very cowardly way of problem solving. Instead of facing your problems you take yourself out of the picture, you run away from them. I think suicide is also a desperate cry for help in the only way some people know how. Well, that is my views on depression and suicide.. I guess I should be like every other guidance counselor and say, "Dont do it, it will ruin your life!!" But, for me I'm just concerned, and all I can give as guidance is just talk to people about it, don't keep it all bottled up onside because it will ruin you. I know from personal experience that telling someone, if its the right person, will never be harmful.

Diary -- December 6th 2008

" Time passes, even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes slowly, in dragging lulls and uneven lurches, but pass it does, even for me."
New Moon
by: Stephenie Meyer

I think this passage even though I didn't get it all the way accurate, (straight from the book) has a lot to do with me right now.

Time. The thing we dread the most yet somehow wish we had more of. Time for me doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore except the one thing I know I can't have, yet still yearn for almost every second of every day. That thing is already lost to me. It probably disappeared into the black hole that is already sucking out the good and important in my life. I suppose that I shall soon be a living balloon, alive but empty, only filled with the presence of empty memories that are enough to sustain it, until slowly, one by one, the memories fade till only the pain of not remembering them is left. But all to soon that will leave too. Where will I be in that? A dead shriveled piece of plastic? I certainly hope that I won't end up deflated and shriveled past comprehension, though, at the piece in which the important pieces of my life are fluttering away, so quickly, I don't doubt that it will soon come to that. I want to rest. I want to lift off over the trees and let loose, float away to inexistence, in lalaland, where I will stay the same. Never too lose any part of me again. But that is just a dream of a dream. Maybe someday, when my memories fade, or become reality again, that dream won't seem so impossible. I have a long way to go, and I will make use of the time that I have, always wishing and dreaming for something different.

The Introduction

This is my blog. I don't really know what it is yet, or what it is going to be, but it is something. It is a recording of my thoughts and feelings. It is the diary or a girl trying to understand the world and trying to find her place in it. It's not an amazing piece of art that I spend loads of time doing, it's just me. I'm hoping, by writing this that I can learn to understand myself better, but also to understand others around me. My goal is to help people by learning from my experiences and the mistakes I've made.